Simon Thackeray

Some blunt dental views from Yorkshire
5 minutes reading time (1098 words)

In a Parallel Universe - - - SpeedyGrins

In a Parallel Universe  - - - SpeedyGrins

In a parallel universe….

We have recently learnt of a new entry into the burgeoning short term orthodontic market in the UK. Due to launch on the 1st April 2016, this news comes as a GDPUK exclusive.

Speedy Grins is a system designed to fit as seamlessly in to a practitioners armoury in the same way as 12lb lump hammer would in a florists. Based on a revolutionary bracket design, where the individual brackets are made from papier mache and dissolve after 3 months whether the teeth are straight or not, the system is backed by 12 hours of extensive research from the Baywatch University Lifelong Learning Self Help Institute of Technology. The unique selling point is that it is the first system to guarantee no extractions will ever be needed for treatment to work. As a result they claim this will make GDP’s ‘experience the same joy as orthodontists do at never having to take out teeth anymore’.

There is a sister product called Slanted Smile which is exactly the same as Speedy Grins, and only comes into being at the end of treatment when the analysis of the smile is done; if the teeth are straight then the patient had the Speedy Grin treatment, and if the teeth still look they were thrown at the face and stayed where they landed then the patient bought the Slanted Smile Product. The company claim this is the first example of a “Patient Responsive’ system. Dentists upload a drawing of the patients teeth, and using their patented treatment planning system called the ‘Central Responsive Analysis Program’ which is designed to give the patient an indication of what someone else’s teeth would look like in their mouth, a treatment plan is formulated by the company, and then the components are sent back for fitting. The company obviously take full responsibility for the treatment planning result, making this ideal for the beginner to ‘orthomadontification’, as the company have called the technique.

The company is headed up by entrepreneur Rolf Pialo who realized there currently aren’t quite enough orthodontists angry with GDP’s at the moment and he saw a hole in the market which he swiftly stepped in to fill. Claiming the system will move teeth ‘faster than a speeding hedgehog’, the brackets come pre-glued with a revolutionary 76th generation cement which only has to be held next to the mouth for the bracket to automatically find and attach itself to the correct tooth. A bond strength ‘stronger than wet tissue’ is also claimed.

The training is a 22 minute FacetwitTube video which is presented by the celebrity dentist and system endorsee,  Dr Sean One-Dunnwan, who was recently voted the 945th most influential person in Ovine Dentistry in the Falkland Islands after qualifying last week. Apparently there are only 11,782 places left on the next course so people need to hurry before it sells out completely. In an exclusive interview recorded from behind the wheel of his new rented 701 ½ bhp Porshabentlighini, the celebrity toothsmith explained why he got involved with the new system. “It’s basically the best thing since the last best thing before the previous best thing I was involved with so that’s good enough for me.” Unfortunately he had to cut the interview short as his tea was ready according to his mum.

There has been some controversy (as there always is when these new systems come out) that this will affect the business models of the specialist orthodontists, but the company behind Speedy Grins are adamant that given their experience in the Oral Surgery Sector with their MegaSupaImplant system and the huge increase in workload for Oral Surgeons now taking out simple retained roots and mobile teeth so the delegates on their Advanced Implant technique 1hr course can start placing their products means that the Orthodontists should have nothing to worry about. So much so that they have also added a free refresher course to their portfolio to enable orthodontists to fill the gaps in their books with premolar extractions instead.

As part of the package, delegates will also get free marketing materials endorsed by Marketing ‘Guru’ and failed Seal trainer Billy Bull consisting of a badger suit, 3 stuffed gerbils, a tin of lilac paint and a pink biro. There is also a version with a costume of a Parus Major as well for those who want to make a great tit of themselves.

The system is already accredited by a new regulatory body, the General Expert Specialist & Technical Amalgamated Professional Organisation who have already started recruiting case handlers from Costa and Starbucks in anticipation of the increase in patient complaints arising from the use of such an advanced system. We understand they think the patient is unlikely to be able to consent to the treatment without a 17 year cooling off period and explanation of the procedure in Andalusian interpretive mime with Gaelic Subtitles. Work is well underway to ensure the ‘Organisation’ meet their new targets. As a result, their new gallows facility will be constructed from a variety of materials, including the finest aged mahogany and oak (although pine would have been sufficient). There will also be one made from Meccano for the implantologists so they feel at home before their final drop. Any registrant caught gaming will be hung in the same way as anyone else, but they will now have to pay for their own rope as that is only available privately. Their new Head of Corrective Discipline Mme Prila Olof was said to be most excited at the news of the Speedy Grins announcement as there were still some registrants who had not been ‘disciplined’ yet and she was described as being ‘positively moist’ at the thought of more business for the ‘Organisation’.

The announcement has also been broadly welcomed by a new professional association for dentists, the Association Somehow Leading Everyone Everywhere Professionally, the spokesperson for which was quoted as saying ‘Baaaaaaaa’ and making a sound like a wet fart in a colander before flouncing off in a puff of talcum powder.

All persons depicted in this article are entirely the product of the author’s imagination and bear no resemblance to any person living or dead. Any similarities are therefore entirely coincidental. Any organisation or company is also entirely the product of fiction and again is not intended to represent any current or past organisation or business. Any similarities are entirely coincidental. This article is for the reader’s entertainment and is not intended to be representative of any situation real or otherwise in any way shape or form.

[This blog was first published on the morning of 1st April 2016]
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Comments 1

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Paul Isaacs on Friday, 01 April 2016 19:58
Speedy Grins

Even for April 1st, it was all very credible, until I read the disclaimer at the end.
"Any similarities..." , well that bit is clearly the hoax.

Even for April 1st, it was all very credible, until I read the disclaimer at the end. "Any similarities..." , well that bit is clearly the hoax.

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